Facing down fear

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

This week, I finally tackled a fear that’s been eroding my peace of mind for way too long. In the fall of 2019, I had an unusual experience involving a medical test that nearly put me in a coma, then left me with a wicked case of post traumatic stress. Most of my doctors advised against trying it again, despite the fact that the test itself can be a lifesaver.

But avoiding the procedure only increased my anxiety. I’d dutifully kept up with all my required medical tests — except for this one. Even my insurance company started sending eerie reminders to get the damned test. It was time to muster my courage and tackle the issue head on.

This week, through a special arrangement with my surgeon, I was scheduled to prepare for the test overnight under 24-hour medical supervision at the hospital.

Given that I’m wired for anxiety, the pending procedure loomed over my holiday activities like Scrooge’s baleful Ghost of Christmas Future. I was so deeply terrified, in fact, that I couldn’t share the upcoming hospital plan with more than a couple of close friends and family members. Talking about it would have made me twice as anxious — and I didn’t want to be talked out of it.

Thankfully, everything, including the test itself, went smoothly. An IV kept my electrolytes within range, and I had a fabulous nursing team to monitor me through the test prep and recovery. And while it wasn’t my idea of a deluxe holiday vacation, it was a priceless gift to finally remove this procedure from my worry list.

If nothing else, I’ve learned that facing my fears means giving up my illusions of control. I need to believe that things have a way of working out for the best. And I need to trust the people I’ve chosen to take care of me. Running from what I fear never, ever brings peace of mind. As today’s quote reminds me, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ~CL