How to manage holiday grief and loss

“The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

If you’re grieving a loss, holiday festivities can feel especially painful and alienating. Last year I wrote a column on managing grief and loss during the holidays for The Sunday Oakland Press. For those who don’t subscribe to the newspaper and can’t open the article links, I’m reposting the column below.

EMPTY CHAIRS AT CHRISTMAS, by Cindy La Ferle for The Oakland Press

My mother died three months before Christmas eight years ago. Since my father had passed several years earlier, my first Christmas season without Mom left me feeling orphaned and unmoored. Regardless, I stuffed my sadness and dutifully managed the usual holiday traditions, putting up a good front for my husband, son, and friends.

But my cheerful facade was as fragile as a glass ornament. My composure shattered unexpectedly at a supermarket when Frank Sinatra started crooning “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” on the store’s sound system. It was one of Mom’s favorite carols. Leaving my cart in the produce aisle, I ran to my car and drove home in tears.

Grief counselors and therapists agree that the holiday season is emotionally loaded with nostalgia, making it twice as difficult for anyone grieving a death in the family.

“Unlike other holidays throughout the year, the winter holidays are family-centered,” explains Kathy McCoy, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and author of “We Don’t Talk Anymore: Healing After Parents and Their Adult Children Become Estranged” (Sourcebooks). “It’s a time when fantasies and expectations bump into reality — and that can be stressful. For those who are grieving, however, the distress is very real: At a time when families get together, there is an empty chair or chairs at your table. You’re missing someone dear and grief can be exacerbated by the season.”

Mourning a loss is “a dynamic, messy journey” that looks different for everyone experiencing it, says Jill Dawson, MA, a licensed professional counselor in Boulder, CO.

In other words, there’s no one-size-fits-all for the timetable of grieving and healing — and no single piece of advice that works for everyone. Some might find comfort in the company of other people, whether that means attending a festive open house or hosting a small dinner at home. Others might need more time alone for self-care or a Netflix marathon.

“Grief can evoke varying needs day-to-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute,” Dawson explains. “A party you may have felt good about attending when you RSVP’d a week ago could feel dreadful by the time the event rolls around. Try to slow down and listen to what’s true for you. Do your best to honor what you are needing at any given moment.”

Have a holiday plan

Part of what makes grief so exhausting and overwhelming is its unpredictability, says Gina Moffa, LCSW, who specializes in grief and trauma therapy in New York City. Moffa advises her bereaved clients to “plan ahead” for the holidays.

“While planning for activities you do or don’t want to attend, you can also plan ahead for things to say if you need to remove yourself, or if you find your grief triggered by someone at the gathering,” Moffa says. “Having a sense of being in control during a time when it all feels so uncertain can help mitigate further upset and harm during fragile and vulnerable times for a griever.”

It also helps to have an understanding support system, says southeast Michigan-based social worker, Debra R. Schultz, LMSW. If you’re not comfortable discussing your loss with friends or relatives, Schultz suggests getting help from a therapist who specializes in grief work.

“Anyone can benefit from talking to a therapist about their feelings of grief and loss,” Schultz says. It’s always advisable to seek help if you’re having suicidal thoughts, persistent depression, difficulties with daily tasks, persistent loss of sleep and appetite, and you’re withdrawing from social interactions.

“Don’t struggle alone or bury your feelings,” Schultz says. This is especially important for children and teens who are grappling with the loss of a parent, grandparent, or another relative, she adds. Schultz counsels parents to seek out organizations such as the Henry Ford SandCastles Grief Support Program (aboutsandcastles.org) for children and teens, which has seven locations throughout six counties in metro Detroit.

Muddling through somehow

Christmas happens every year, whether or not we feel like celebrating. Or, as Garrison Keillor put it: “The lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

After losing a loved one, we’re called to find new ways to navigate the Christmas storm. Though we might be tempted to isolate ourselves, therapists concur that socializing is essential to our mental health. And while we might try to replicate the traditions of our own holiday history, starting new ones can be healing.

Dr. McCoy recalls a client who found herself without family after the death of her only adult child. “She started a tradition of celebrating Christmas Eve with friends in similar circumstances, either without family or with no family close by,” McCoy recalls. “Instead of everyone cooking, they ordered take-out Chinese food. It became an eagerly anticipated tradition.”

Several experts agree that volunteering for a good cause can help ease the loneliness of loss while lifting the holiday spirits of others. Homeless shelters and nursing homes are good places to consider.

Tending to your own spiritual needs is also important when you’re grieving a loss. With that in mind, Schultz advises seeking out a “Blue Christmas” service at one of your local churches.

I attended a couple of these healing services after both of my parents were gone. Tears flowed freely throughout the candlelit sanctuary, and I was moved by the quiet validation of grief among my fellow congregants. I returned home feeling less alone with my loss.

“The goal of the Blue Christmas service is to recognize and allow expression of sorrow and loneliness felt by those who are grieving during the holiday,” Schultz says. “Expression of those feelings is essential to our healing, especially when the rest of the world seems to be only joyous and celebratory.” ~CIndy La Ferle

Tor read the full column online in The Oakland Press, click HERE.